


midnight nocturne

by sarrysar



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Bi awakening, M/M, bg jun/yuuki and subaru/hokke, idiots to lovers, implied tiny mao/yuuki crush, ritsus solo hehe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-28 07:46:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19807846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarrysar/pseuds/sarrysar
Summary: mao thinks about some important things and realizes he is in fact dummy stupid.





	midnight nocturne

Leo grins at him. „You should try writing a song, then!“

\--

Mao closes his textbook and turns to Ritsu. Ever since Mao got here, Ritsu has been sitting on his bed and scribbling something on a crumpled piece of paper. It's not that Mao is complaining, because that means he was able to finish his homework for the first time in ages without being interrupted every five seconds or having to shake Ritsu awake and urge him to do some work. But it's just a little too quiet now. He shuffles closer to Ritsu and attempts to peek over his shoulder.

„Don't look.“ Ritsu quickly covers the paper with both his hands and pouts a little.

„What's that?“ Mao knits his eyebrows. There he was thinking Ritsu was finally seriously doing some schoolwork on his own, but the tiny bits of writing visible between Ritsu's fingers don't look like homework at all.

Ritsu gives a little shrug that Mao would call embarrassed if he didn't know Ritsu was shameless. „I'm writing a song.“

„A song?“ Mao's eyebrows fly up. „You? Don't you have a guy who does that? You know, the little one with the –„

„This one's not for Knights.“

„Then who is it for?“

„Mm,“ Ritsu strokes his chin. „For my one and only Maa-kun.“

Mao rolls his eyes. „Fine, you don't have to tell me.“ He glances at his phone. „Oh, man, I'm gonna be late for dance practice. Well, good luck with your mystery song.“

Ritsu says nothing at that, so Mao rolls off the bed and looks for his bag and shoes. Ritsu's room is not much more than a bed and a piano and a bunch of amorphous piles of things that Mao reflexively wants to organize whenever he sees them, but he gave up on that ages ago.

„Do you need anything?“ he asks. „Like, from the store or something.“

„Biscuits.“ Says Ritsu. „From the big drawer in the kitchen.“

„You can't go downstairs on your own?“ Mao squints. Ritsu is laying down and swinging his legs casually, he looks like he didn't quite get enough sleep today but he doesn't look too bad, overall. „Okay, fine, I'll get them. Jeez, can't say no to when you're looking at me like that.“

„The red ones,“ Ritsu mumbles into his chin, almost too quiet for Mao to hear. „Anija only eats the green ones.“

\--

Makoto's phone keeps ringing during practice.

It's only he and Mao today – the plan was to put Makoto under the spotlight this time, and Mao immediately offered to help him practice the dance. Which wouldn't be a problem if Makoto wasn't so distracted.

Mao could tell that it was Subaru who came up with the choreography. In the middle of the trickiest bit, after Makoto's solo part, he runs across the stage and Mao picks him up and twirls him. If Subaru wanted to be twirled by Hokuto couldn't he just ask him? Did he really need to come up with an excuse that didn't involve Mao? Not that he had trouble lifting Makoto with how he carried Ritsu every day and all, or that he thought it was weird or gross – Subaru and Hokuto did similar things quite a few times on stage already – but he wasn't prepared for how strangely intimate it would feel to pick a person up like that and dance with them. Subaru and Hokuto made it look so casual, but it wasn't, and both he and Makoto nervously stared into empty space after the third failed attempt.

It's not that Mao was averse to physical contact. If anything, he secretly craved it – he could count the times he was touched in the past few weeks on one hand; the time Subaru held his hand during lunch because it was warm, Ritsu leaning his head on his shoulder in the bus, the hug he recieved from Anzu after the live.

It suddenly hits him how strange it is that he of all people has grown unused to it, considering how close he and Ritsu had once been. Admittedly, it was Mao's own doing, though he never thought it would end up like this. It was fine when Ritsu clung to him and cuddled him and said he wanted to marry him in middle school, but once they started high school it became just a little odd, just the kind of thing that was bound to get weird stares. And Mao told himself, Ricchan would still be the same Ricchan if they were a bit less affectionate in public, and he'd still be the same Maa-kun. But he never actually confronted Ritsu about it, just started gradually putting space between them. He told himself they'd just snuggle less in public, but it ended up with touches between them even when they were alone becoming rare and strange. Mao found himself navigating the space around Ritsu hesitantly, and even the name Ricchan started tasting strange in his mouth, like he should save it for special occasions, like it was all something they should've grown out of, except they never really did.

Not naturally, at least. Somewhere in the process, everything between them became – well, not forced but – _less._ Like it should be simpler, but he's not letting it be. It's not like he did it because he hated Ricchan or that he was disguisted by him. It's more like, in all honesty, it was scary and it was suddenly too much, the stare his father gave him when he found them cuddling during a sleepover, the sudden notion that something he couldn't put his finger on was spiralling out of control and that he was taking a huge bite of something, too big to chew comfortably. That's why he stopped.

And look at him now. When Anzu hugged him his mouth fell open. Not because Anzu was a girl (a pretty girl, well, Mao had eyes) but simply because of the feeling of being held and supported made something in him tremble. He missed it so much.

„Uh, Isara-kun, you can put me down now,“ Makoto is looking up at him a bit awkwardly, and Mao quickly goes red in the face and almost drops him. Makoto takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes, yawns and stretches. He was getting better at dancing, admittedly, and he was even putting on some muscle since he started training with Oogami. But he wasn't heavier than Ritsu, and he fit right into Mao's arms. He doesn't know where that thought comes from, but it's not unwelcome, is it? Makoto is one of his best friends after all, it's natural they'd know each other well enough to adapt to each other during a performance.

Makoto's phone is ringing again. He doesn't pick up, but he stares at the phone with a strange little nervous smile on his face.

„What, is it the producer?“ Mao grins and pokes Makoto's shoulder with his elbow. „Why aren't you answering it?“

„Ah, no, it's – „ Makoto is acting uncharacteristically embarrassed even for his standards, fiddles with the phone. „It's Jun-kun.“

„Jun-kun?“ Mao lifts an eyebrow.

„You know, Sazanami-kun. From Eve.“

„Huh? Why's he calling you and not Hokuto?“ Mao rummages through his memories of last summer. „Oh yeah, you exchanged numbers, right? What does Eve want from us now?“

The phone buzzes again. „Nothing too important, I think,“ Makoto shrugs. „He's just in the neighborhood.“

„He's in the neighborhood, and? Should I get Hokuto and Subaru?“

„He's in the neighborhood, and we're going to get ice cream.“

For the longest moment in the world, Mao and Makoto are both staring at each other as if the other is the dumbest person on the whole planet Earth. And then Makoto sighs deeply and fixes his glasses. „Fine, guess I'll – eh, guess I should tell you too, yes?“

„Tell me what?“ Mao tilts his head to the side.

„ Saza – I mean, Jun-kun – we've been talking and he's…“ Makoto gives a little shrug. „We're going out. Like, together. Like Akehoshi-kun and Hidaka-kun together.“

„Oh,“ Mao frowns for a moment, and then lifts his eyebrows. „Oh! Well, that's cool! Sorry, I just didn't know you were, um, I. thought you liked Anzu.“

Makoto shrugs. „I'm bisexual .“

Oh, that was – not too surprising, actually. It's not like it was something completely unnheard of. Mao knew at least two or three couples in school who were pretty open, and who knew how many more just minded their own business. In hindsight, Mao wasn't sure why his fifteen-year-old self might be bullied in this school. Two platonic best friends being touchy was nothing compared to that, right? The worst that could've happened was probably someone assuming they were dating, and that was something he could've explained in a few words, right? But well, that bus left the station a long time ago.

Why was he even thinking about himself now? Makoto was staring at him very nervously, as if he was awaiting his judgement.

„I'm so happy for you, Makoto, really!“ Mao gives the biggest grin he can manage. „Just, uh. Why did you say you'd tell _me too?_ Does everyone else know already?“

„Well, _kinda._ “ Makoto scratches the back of his head. „I mean, of course I was going to tell you eventually, you're like my best friend, but I didn't really know how to say it, I guess.“

„Huh?“ Mao frowns. „Why?“

„Because you're like…“ Makoto squints at him. „Nevermind, I'm just glad we're cool. And that we're still going to do the dance, I hope?“

„Of course we are, dude!“ Mao gives Makoto a firm pat on the shoulder. It's not like he's going to be awkward dancing with his best friend just because he has a boyfriend. And it's not like Makoto's boyfriend would mind either, right? It's a strange phrase in his head, _Makoto's boyfriend._ Maybe because he spent a lot of time around him without immediately being aware that Makoto liked guys, unlike with Subaru and Hokuto or Ritsu and his brother or whatever. Not strange in the bad way, just in an _anything could happen, huh?_ way.

„Can we…continue the practice, then?“ Makoto is still giving him a kinda strange look, and Mao hopes his big, embarrassing train of thought wasn't _too_ visible. They get the dance perfectly after the eighth attempt, and it's not too awkward at all.

\--

The next morning they're studying at Ritsu's again, and while Mao half-mindedly does his geography homework Ritsu is still writing and rewriting stuff on that same crumpled paper, carefully keeping it hidden from Mao's glance. Mao had to admit he was growing curious, but knowing Ritsu he knew he'd never get a look at it if he kept pushing, but if he just let it be, Ritsu might just show it to him eventually. Despite Mao's constant nagging, he noticed that lately Ritsu has been trying very hard to do lots of little things and make Mao notice it. He's been meaning to praise him for it, but couldn't figure out how to start that conversation without it turning into a more serious topic.

Especially after that conversation with Sakuma-senpai he _really_ didn't want to fight with Ritsu again.

„Hey, Ritsu,“ he pokes him in the side, unused to Ritsu being so silent around him when he's awake. „I'd really love to, like. Hear a song you wrote one day. Not this one if you don't wanna, but I'm interested in what you'd write, you know?“

„Mmmn,“ Ritsu lets his head drop down on the paper, and Mao almost thinks he messed up again. „Okay, maybe…but you'll have to come to our live, then.“

„I come to your lives whenever I can, don't I?“ Mao knits his eyebrows.

„You haven't been to a single one since Ousama came back,“ The sentence comes out of Ritsu's mouth so accusatory even Ritsu seems surprised, his eyes widen for a moment. „You should, anyways. The music sounds really happy when he and Secchan are singing together.“

Embarrassment sizzles in Mao's cheeks. Has it _really_ been that long? Have Knights really had more than one live since then? He opens his mouth to say something, apologize maybe, but then he hears a soft snore. Ritsu is still face-down on his paper but his eyes are closed, his mouth slightly agape. It's true that he was working on his song today in class and during lunch too, Mao hasn't really seen him nap today. So he carefully gets off the bed to look for a blanket in the mess on the floor.

But instead of a blanket, something else draws his attention. A beat up orange cardboard shoebox that he hasn't seen in literal years – it should've been buries deep in a pile of forgotten things, but it looks like someone took it out and opened it recently, so Ritsu probably actually spent a lot of time looking for it. Something in Mao's chest squeezes, and he wonders if _that_ 's still there.

He turns around again to make sure that Ritsu was still sleeping soundly, and then sits down on the floor and pulls the box into his lap. He opens it very carefully - it's falling apart everywhere, but it looks like Ritsu fixed it with duct tape the last time he used it.

Inside is just a small stack of photographs. Mao carefully takes one out. How long has it been since he looked at them. Two years? Amost three? The first photograph is the first one taken of him and Ritsu together. They're ten or maybe eleven, Mao's hair is still short and Ritsu's is an overgrown and unkept mess falling over his eyes. Photo-Mao is sitting in the grass next to the tree where they'd always nap in the afternoons and Ritsu is leaning on his shoulder like he still does with a small and shy smile. There is another almost identical photo, but this time Mao's sunhat is on Ritsu's head, and Ritsu looks embarrassed.

The next one is a school picture, their middle school class. Students are standing lined up in two rows, awkward and too small in their uniforms, but in the middle of the back row, Mao and Ritsu are standing with arms around each other's shoulders, grinning from ear to ear. This was a class picture, but it might've as well been just the two of them. Something in Mao's heart jumps painfully.

On the fourth one, Mao is riding his new bike with Ritsu sitting in the front. He'd fallen off his own bike a minute before this picture was taken and his eyes are still a bit puffy, but he's smiling brightly, leaning back into Mao's shoulder, like he trusted him, like he trusted him with his whole heart.

Then a school picture from the year after that. This time the whole class is more friendly with each other, hugging and smiling, but on their seat in the back row Mao and Ritsu still stand out, hand-in-hand and brighter than the sun.

A picture taken in this very room. They're older, maybe thirteen. Ritsu is playing the piano, and judging from the way he looks Mao was probably singing. That's when they got into music, isn't it? If Ritsu's brother could hang out in the house with his bandmates having fun and making noise, so could they. Mao remembers Ritsu trying to learn how to play the songs they heard on TV on his piano, dreaming about dreaming together.

A picture from the last year of middle school. Everyone around them is jumping and hugging, making funny faces, but this corner of the picture is their own. Mao is looking only at Ritsu with a very soft expression that surprises him too, and Ritsu is draped over him, hugging him tightly. The kind of thing that looks a little embarrassing on a school photo, but they didn't see a problem with at the time. They look so happy.

And then a photo from the first year of high school. They're not standing in the back row anymore, they're sitting in the front row, and they're not touching at all. Their shoulders are not brushing. Mao's hands are folded politely in his lap, he's smiling a tiny distant smile, the kind you'd make when having your picture taken for documents, and Ritsu isn't smiling at all, just staring blankly into the empty space in front of him.

Mao quickly closes the box and returns it to its place, feeling strangely empty. How did they end up like this? What kind of a stare would the happy boys from the first picture give him if they saw him now? Backing off and saying things like „I have no idea what you're talking about“ whenever his best friend was affectionate toward him?

There was another picture laying on the ground near the box, a cutout from a magazine article about Knights. Five people, with Ritsu squished between Suou and Narukami, are hugging and smiling for the camera – not a fake show of affection for the media, Mao didn't doubt they really loved each others. He knew Ritsu had other friends now too, Knights and Anzu and even Tenshouin, in some way Mao didn't entirely understand. It's not like he minded it, he wasn't that cruel, if anything he was so, so happy for Ritsu. But something about it hurt terribly. He didn't miss the time Ritsu had no one else, he missed the time he was _special_ to Ritsu. The time when he knew they loved each other the most, no matter what happened, when he didn't have to wonder if he was still welcome in Ritsu's home after how few words they exchanged during lunch.

He felt the lack of _something_ he didn't have a name for more strongly than ever in his life.

So instead of looking for a blanket, he crawled into Ritsu's bed like he did so many times when they were little and pulled him closer. Ritsu didn't make a sound, but he instinctively wrapped an arm around around Mao's waist. Mao's eyes flutter closed, he didn't even realize how tired he was. Hopefully Ricchan won't mind when he wakes up and finds him here.

\--

Mao was planning to have lunch with Ritsu the next day as step one of his sorry-I've-been-an-asshole-lately plan, but Ritsu is nowhere to be found. Jeez, did he hole himself up somewhere working on that song again? Mao made a mental note to bring him a sandwitch when he comes over later, just in case he skipped a meal. He ended up sitting with Subaru and Hokuto again, picking at his lunch with little interest.

„Hey, where's Makoto,“ he glanced around. „Is he skipping lunch too?“

„Ehehehehe,“ Subaru snickered conspirstively. „He's probably sneaking out, his – „

Hokuto quickly elbows him in the ribs.

„…boyfriend…is..in..town?“ Subaru finishes, giving Hokuto a confused glance. „Hey, why'd you hit meee?“

„It's okay guys, I know, he told me yesterday,“ Mao waves a hand in front of Hokke's frowning face, a bit annoyed that everyone is acting so weird around him when it comes to _that_.

„Do you have a crush on Ukki, Sally?“ Subaru blurts out suddenly, leaning over the table and staring holes into Mao, and Hokke just gives up on trying to elbow him again.

„What? No!“ Mao jumps back. „Why'd you think that? He's my best friend like you guys, okay?“

„Your face looked super weird when I mentioned his boyfriend,“ Subaru eyes him suspiciously. „And you're always staring at him during practice.“

„Am not,“ Mao shakes his head a little. „If I'm ever admiring his performance, it's because Makoto is objectively good-looking, you know? Doesn't mean I like him. Or anyone.“

„I think Hokke is good-looking.“ Subaru gives a big brigh grin.

„Akehoshi,“ Hokuto looks exasperated. „Let him deal with things in his own way.“

„What things?“ Mao huffs. „I'm not dealing with any things! Nothing is happening, okay? I'm happy for my friend a normal amount, and I just want to enjoy my lunch.“

Subaru looks like he wants to say something else, but he just pouts and they eat in silence. Mao watches them to avoid thinking about Yuuki and Sazanami or Ritsu. Is Hokke really good-looking? Mao _supposes_ he could be, if you like that sort of thing. He has really nice hair, dark soft black that reminds him of something.

As if he knew what Mao was thinking, Subaru suddenly reaches out to touch Hokke's hair. Mao almost thinks he's reading his mind, but then he just flicks something away and shrugs. „You had a bug in your hair.“

Mao avoids Subaru's eyes, and finishes his meal.

\--

It's been three days, and Mao still hasn't seen Ritsu without his mystery paper. He's erasing and rewriting something again, and gives a frustrated little sigh.

Giving up on his essay, Mao glances at Ritsu. His hair is getting a bit too long again, and it's hanging over his face while he's writing in a way that can't be good for his eyesight. Without thinking, he reaches out and touches it, tucks a strand behind Ritsu's ear.

Ritsu suddenly turns around him, eyes huge and blown wide. Mao can't decipher the emotion in them, or even determine whether the reaction is a positive or negative one. He just freezes there, his hand still cupping the side of Ritsu's head. Even though he's staring at him strangely like that his hair is really nice to touch, thick and softer than he expected. It's been so, so long since he touched it or combed it or anything like that, even since he touched Ritsu at all without Ritsu explicitely asking him to.

„Maa-kun…?“ Ritsu tilts his head to the side, leaning closer just a bit, a movement tiny enough to be unnoticable, unless you specifically wanted to notice it. And this is definitely one of those big moments, isn't it? One of those more-than-you-can-chew moments where one wrong movement can mess up your entire plan and future.

„Ah, sorry,“ Mao pulls his hand back and looks away. „You had a bug in your hair.“

„Oh…“ he's not sure whether Ritsu sounds relieved or disappointed, but he sticks his nose back into his paper. „Well…thanks.“

Mao tries to focus on his essay again, but his mind is completely blank save for a huge blinking red _what?????!!! What was that?_ The change in the weather was probably driving him crazy and stupid. Some new kind of winter allergies. He'd _just_ made peace with the fact that it was completely normal to casually touch Ritsu again, why was his stomach doing backflips like this? It's not like it was bad or upsetting or anything.

„Mm…….“

„Yes?“ He turns his head hoping he could pass the red of his nose as being cold, but Ritsu is actually asleep on his paper again. But he's facing Mao now, and he looks very peaceful and content.

Huh.

This time Ritsu's head isn't covering the sheet of paper entirely, and he can make out some of the writing. He shouldn't read it before Ritsu is ready for it, he _really_ shouldn't, but his brain is already in panic mode and his curiosity gets the best of him. It's just like what, one or two lines, anyway. It's not like he'll see something terrible and forbidden, right? Very, very gently, he leans over to read them.

_Your beautiful smile, it's like i could melt into the sun_

_I am not alone right now._

Oh.

_Oh._

Stupid, stupid, clueless Mao. He rolls over to his back and covers his face with his hands. How could he think Ritsu would be content waiting alone for years and years for him to come around and realize he treated him like an idiot? Did he really think he could still become the most importand person in the world to Ritsu again?

It was obvious now, Ritsu didn't want Mao to see the song because he was writing it to someone. Ritsu was in love with someone, and he never even told Mao who.

\--

Mao tries to sleep off his serious problems and hope they disappear by the morning like he always does, but it doesn't really work this time. The moment his eyes open, it's in his head already. He already knows how it's going to happen – some lucky guy in this school will recieve that song Ritsu put so much effort into, and they're going to start dating, because why wouldn't they? Ritsu is a pain to deal with sometimes but he's loved by anyone who really gets to know him, and he's objectively good-looking. Of course no one is going to say no to Ritsu. They're going to start dating and Mao will see Ritsu less and less, and his entire plan to return things between them to the way they were before will fall into the water. And if that person really loves Ritsu too, they'll probably start coming over to help Ritsu in the evenings and in the mornings, and in a while Ritsu won't need Mao for anything anymore, right?

He can't count the times he complained, _why do I have to do so much for you?_ But now that he tried to imagine his life without it, it hurt too much to even think about. He didn't realy want to lose it, it wasn't even that hard of a job if it helped Ricchan live and made him happier. But it was over now, it was too late. It wasn't Mao who moved on, it was the opposite all along.

Mao drags himself out of bed, feeling like he's walking through a heavy fog. He puts his socks on backwards and can't seem to tie his hair correctly, but he's running late already. He's already on the doorstep when he has a strange thought, remembers something. He grabs the small box on his nightstand where he keeps his jewelry, mostly just his trickstar necklace and some accessories for the costumes he wears a lot. But the thing on the bottom of the box is there even after all this time. The bracelet Ritsu made for him on the first day of high school as a good luck charm. It's a little silly thing, just colorful plastic beads on a rubber string, and he remembers carrying it around in his pocker for a while, but he doesn't think he ever put it on. So now, with a bittersweet smile, he puts it around his wrist and covers it with the sleeve of his hoodie. It's not like it'll make a difference now, anyway.

\--

„I finished the song, by the way,“ Ritsu mumbles while Mao carries him to school.

„That's,“ Mao forces a smile. „That's really nice, Ritsu, you worked really hard.“

„Mmm…“ He feels Ritsu shift on his back, feels his hair brush his neck, and shivers. „I'm gonna perform it on Knights' live tomorrow.“

„That sounds…romantic.“

„Romantic?“ this seems to confuse Ritsu, and he peeks over Mao's shoulder. „What do you mean….romantic?“

Oh, that's _bad,_ he wasn't supposed to let Ritsu know he knew. „I mean, isn't that like, Knights' whole thing? Charming, chivalrous heroes?“

„Mmm…“ Ritsu leans his head on Mao's shoulder again, but doesn't seem entirely convinced. „I guess. You're gonna come to the live, aren't you, Maa-kun?“

Oof, it's not like he was dying to see Ritsu basically confess to someone on stage and ride off into the sunset with them, but he supposes he can't disappoint him now. He decided to be Ritsu's best friend, his closest person again, didn't he? That meant staying by his side and watching him chase after happiness, even if it was with someone else, didn't it?

„Yeah, I'll be there. Don't worry.“

\--

„Isara-kun, what's wrong with you today?“ Makoto is squinting at him over his glasses. Mao sighs in defeat and grabs a water bottle from his backpack to avoid having to reply. It's true that he's doing horrible – a few days ago they managed to do the dance perfectly, but now Mao was ruining everything, kept dropping Makoto, being out of rhythm and tripping over his own feet.

„Sorry, can we take just five minutes off?“ He shrugs. „I'm just a little tired today, that's it.“

„Sure,“ says Makoto, but he still looks a little bit suspicious.

God, why is he suddenly reminded of Ricchan every time he sees Yuuki these days? Is it because Yuuki's new happy relationship keeps reminding him that he's about to lose Ritsu to one? But it can't really be just that, because this strange feeling started even before he read what Ritsu wrote. So there was really only one possibility, but it was huge and scary and Mao didn't want to unpack that today. If he said it out loud or even in his head, it'd be like leaving the comfortable house he built around himself, opening the door and walking out into a huge and endless forest he wasn't sure how to navigate. He couldn't have this kind of realization _now_ , at the dance studio on a Wednesday at three in the afternoon.

„Isara-kun, you look like you've seen a ghost,“ Yuuki sits down next to him, quickly typing a message to – well, whatever.

Maybe he did. Maybe this is literally a feeling from the past coming back to him, except now there's a name for it in the back of his mind.

„Hey, Makoto. How did you, like, know.“

„Huh?“ Yuuki looks up from his phone. „How did I know what?“

Mao's heart is beating so fast it might break his ribs. He cracks the door open just a bit. „That you liked Sazanami.“

„Well, eh…“ Makoto goes entirely red in the face and fidgets with his phone cover. „You know like, when I met him, I thought I was on a date with Anzu-chan, you know? I, uh. I really liked Anzu-chan, but I ended up having fun with Jun-kun in the same way. We started talking and things just. Happened.“

„But how did you like,“ Mao is painfully aware this is not just crossing the boundary between friendly curiosity and asking for personal advice, it's just jumping over it. „Know that you like him like _that_. And not just as friends.“

„Ehh, Isara-kun, sorry to intrude but…“ Yuuki looks even more flustered then before, if something like that's even possible. „Akehoshi-kun told me all kinds of strange ideas earlier, and I'm very flattered but –„

„No, no, no!“ Mao quickly buries his face into his hands. „It's not you! I mean, you're a great guy, I love you, but it's not you.“

„But there is someone.“

Too late to deny it. Mao shrugs. „I don't know. Maybe.“

„I don't think telling you how I knew will help you know,“ Yuuki gives him a little awkward smile. „If it's the person I think it is, anyway. I think you should just talk to him about it.“

„Nah, I don't really have a chance there anymore. _If_ I do…like him. That is.“

„Huh? Isara-kun, haven't you been paying attention?“

„He's in love with someone else. Okay?“

Yuuki blinks a few time, staring at Mao like he just said the dumbest thing he heard in his life. „I'm a little lost. I don't think we're talking about the same person.“

Mao lets his head fall back. He didn't admit it out loud, so it's not like it's real.

\--

But being that close to your lifelong friends is normal, right? But the possibility…surprises him more than it should have, honestly. Ritsu has always been pretty, hasn't he? Hasn't his soft dark hair and his eyes that look red in the dark always been distracting? And the way he stretches himself and the way his voice sounds right after he wakes up. And the flash of skin under the pajama shirt that slips down his shoulder, between the buttons of his uniform, above the unbuttoned crumpled shirt?

Oh god. Oh _god._

Has time really come to accept it? That the distance he put between himself and Ritsu was not something he wanted, but something he learned he should want. He remembers Narukami's knowing glance when she saw him watching Ritsu and Anzu from the distance. _Who are you really jealous of?_

And huh, this is _just_ like him. The moment he realized he loved Ritsu, Ritsu finally reveals that all he wanted Mao as anymore was a good caretaker as he wrote a song to someone else. In his head, Mao repeated the same old words. _I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't understand._

\--

Mao knew Knights. They were a good unit – technically strong, visually beautiful and they had good, catchy songs. But something always seemed off to him. They lacked something Subaru would call _sparkly and shiny._ Each of them was fighting their own battle, four people trying so desperately to conceal their wounds that they ended up singing over each others instead of together. Mao knew how it felt, fighting a war inside, how much it hurt, and he respected them for it.

But today, with their King on the stage, they are shining. He is noticing other things too, the lingering touches between him and Sena. The smiles on others. The smile on Ritsu. He wonders if they're happy. God, he really hopes they're happy

One song. Two songs. Three. They blur in Mao's head into one melody, and against his will, Ritsu's voice stands out above all others. He is lost in this fog for a while, and suddenly, the stage is dark save for a single spotlight shining above the piano in the corner of the stage, and Mao's heart sinks as he realizes what's about to happen.

The audience is silent for a moment, and Mao wonders if they know what's happening too, if hearts that are about to be broken really make a sound.

Ritsu stumbles on the stage a bit sleepily. He looks strange, glowing in the darkness and then blueish in the light. He's taken off his jacket and just in that black shirt, he looks like he did a long time ago. And when his fingers touch the keys Mao thinks, I really do love him, I love him so much.

Mao didn't know why he expected Ritsu to write a happy, touching love song, but he's still surprised when the melody resounds, slow and sorrowful and lighter than air.

_The moonlight shines upon my fingertips, the stave whirling into the night  
Trapped in the forest of sleep, I think of you whom I can't be with_

I wish I'd stayed with you, Mao thinks. I wish I'd stayed with you when you needed me.

_I feel you beside me, in this darkness where there is no one else  
Your beautiful smile, it's like it could melt into the sun_

I wonder how it feels to be loved that much. I wonder if I'll ever find out.

 _Even in a world where we cannot intermingle_  
I am not alone right now  
In the dead of night, with my sleeping breath, Song for you  
Because I'm singing a melody that brings us together

One time, in eighth grade, Mao and Ritsu were sitting on the windowsill overlooking Ritsu's back yard, and Ritsu was humming something, one of his brother's songs. And Mao forgot it but he remembered now, how he looked singing under the moonlight. He still looks the same. How could he forget?

_Just my piano, the moon and you, in a transparent sky  
They simply kept existing kindly in the depths of my heart_

_While the tedium persists, by letting my fingers dance  
I come to know a sadness that resembles feelings of unrequited love, but_

Unrequited love? Who would not love you back? I really just want you to be happy. Whoever it is, I just want you to be happy.

 _Even if you can't hear me, i'm right here_  
Because even if I can't reach you, we're always together  
The pale blue moon connects us  
Now, close your eyes and let us sing

Mao closes his eyes. How did I never know you loved someone this much? Have we really grown _that_ distant?

 _Even in a world where we cannot intermingle_  
Once again, towards the night you see somewhere  
In the dead of night, with my sleeping breath, Song for you  
Because I'm singing a melody that brings us together

The song is over. Eyes still closed, Mao waits for Ritsu's touching confession, waits to see who the lucky person is. He opens his eyes and the first thing he realizes is that the spotlight is not on Ritsu anymore. And Ritsu's eyes in the darkness are two deep red dots brighter than anything else in the world – he knows, because Ritsu is staring right at him. And so is everyone else in the audience, turning to look at him like a tidal wave of starstruck people.

Mao is standing in a circle of light, and then like a kick to the chest, everything makes sense.

\--

Mao runs after Ritsu, through the door, away from the auditorium. Sometime during the live it started snowing, there's a thin white layer on the ground already mixing with rain and mud, and snowflakes are fluttering around madly, it looks just like the inside of Mao's head feels.

Ritsu is running from him – it's the first time he's seen Ritsu run since they were little. He's a quick little figure, he's about to be swallowed by the fog and lost, but in the end he can't keep up the pace and he has to stop, bending over and breathing heavily.

Mao stops when he's close enough to see his face, but far enough to give him space to run away, if it was just a mistake in the end and he ruined everything. But then Ritsu looks at him – Ritsu _looks_ at him, and then he knows it wasn't, its just that he was a blind idiot who didn't want to see what was right in front of him.

„Maa-kun, I –„

A little awkwardly, a little too forcefully, Mao pulls him closer and kisses him.

Ritsu makes a small surprised sound. All initial force is lost when their lips touch and the resulting kiss is too soft, their faces barely brush, it can barely be called a kiss at all. But Mao closes his eyes anyway and just _feels_ everything, Ritsu's lips, Ritsu's hair brushing the sides of his face, the cold wind hitting his back. It lasts just a second but the Earth falls out of its orbit, the magnetic poles reverse, the Sun and the Moon switch places.

He pulls back, a bit too quickly, because he realizes he doesn't really know how long he should keep doing that, so he just carefully faces Ritsu instead. Ritsu's eyes look the same as they did that day when this same thing _almost_ happened, they're wide and beautiful and different in some strange way, like Ritsu is allowing him to see just a bit of his vulnerability, like he might stop talking in metaphors for a second and say something honest.

„Maa-kun….?“ Ritsu says softly.

„Ricchan…“ Mao is suddenly smiling, he doesn't even know why, he's grinning like an idiot.“Ricchan, Ricchan!“

„Maa-kun…“ a brief but entirely vulnerable expression. „If this is because of the song and you _feel_ like you should do something…“

„Ricchan, no. I mean _yes,_ it is because of the song but,“ Mao's hands are still on Ritsu's shoulders, maybe he's shaking him a bit too much. „I did it because I wanted to. Did you really mean what you said? What you wrote in the song?“

Ritsu's eyes narrow, and then widen again. „Does Maa-kun like me…? I thought you knew. I've been telling you for years.“

Mao's cheeks are burning, not just because of the cold. „But it's natural to tell someone who takes care of you that you love them. It's only what people do.“  
  
„I love you, I like you, I wanna marry you and live with you forever, is what I've been saying for ages!“ Ritsu looks almost a little angry now. „Stupid Maa-kun. Of course I had to do all the work.“

Mao's smile trembles a little.

„But it's okay,“ Ritsu's face softens. „Cuz I know it's hard to figure out that people really like you. So I'm gonna tell you every day until you believe it, dummyhead. Maa-kun needs love too, right?“

„Ricchan…“ Mao feels something wet on his cheek that's not just snowflakes melting on his skin. „I'm sorry, I'm sorry.“

„Shhhh, don't make it complicated, Maa-kun,“ Ritsu's hands cover his on his shoulders, they're warm through the gloves. „Did you really like my song? I tried very hard, you know. And I slept a lot today, to be pretty for the live tonight.“

Mao pulls him closer again, he means to hug him and make him feel safe and comfortable but he ends up burying his own face into the crook of Ritsu's neck and wrapping his arms around him tightly, he's not sure how to do anything else anymore, even if he's Mao for every trouble. Ritsu holds him too, a gloved hand goes to his head, patting it gently. „There we go, good boy, good boy.“

„You did so well, Ricchan,“ he says into his shoulder. „You did so well, I love you so much.“

Ritsu gives another small hum, like he does right when he wakes up. „I know I did. But you should tell me again…you didn't really convince me.“

Mao cups his face and this time he kisses him like he should've done ages ago.

 _Even in a world where we cannot intermingle_  
_I won't lose sight of you_  
 _No matter where you are, an unchanging Song for you_  
 _Because I'm singing an eternal promise_


End file.
